Parenting Coordinators: Your Guide to Keeping Your Family Out of Court

Navigating co-parenting after separation or divorce can feel like learning a completely new language. Between custody orders, parenting schedules, and constant disagreements about everything from soccer sign-ups to school choices, many parents find themselves trapped in an exhausting cycle of conflict. But there’s a powerful tool that can help break this pattern: parenting coordinators.

In a recent episode of the Welcome to Splitsville podcast, attorney Sheila Passenant sat down with Dr. Tracy Masiello, a psychologist, licensed clinical mental health counselor supervisor, and certified parent coordinator, to demystify this resource.

What Exactly Is a Parenting Coordinator?

Think of a parenting coordinator as a blend of referee, coach, and translator. Their overarching goal is to keep families out of court and help parents resolve issues faster.

Dr. Masiello explains that a parenting coordinator is a neutral professional appointed by the court to help parents stick to custody orders, reduce ongoing disputes, and resolve any child-related issues that come up post­-divorce or separation when parents reach an impasse. The key difference between a parenting coordinator and other professionals is their court-granted authority to make decisions (similar to the authority a judge has).

“It’s really an interesting area for me as a therapist because it’s an area where psychology and the law really meet,” Dr. Masiello notes. This unique position allows parenting coordinators to bridge the gap between emotional support and legal decision-making.

When Do You Need One?

You might benefit from a parenting coordinator if:

• You and your co-parent constantly disagree about decisions affecting your children
• You’re filing motions for every minor dispute
• There’s high emotional intensity between you and the other parent
• Mental health or substance use issues are present
• Your children are showing emotional or behavioral distress due to parental conflict
• You need help interpreting or implementing your custody order

The beauty of having a parenting coordinator is that you don’t have to file a motion every time a conflict arises. Whether it’s a major decision like choosing between public or private school, or something seemingly small like scheduling an extra day during winter break, a parenting coordinator can help you resolve it without stepping foot in a courtroom.

Attorney PC vs. Mental Health PC: Which Do You Need?

Not all parenting coordinators are the same. Both attorneys and mental health professionals can serve in this role, but they bring different strengths to the table.

An attorney parenting coordinator might be the better choice for cases involving:

• Legal interpretation of custody orders
• Single-issue disputes (like school choice)
• Situations requiring deep knowledge of family law

A mental health parenting coordinator is particularly valuable when:

• There’s significant emotional intensity between parents
• One or both parents have mental health or substance use issues
• Children are showing behavioral or emotional distress
• Parents need help regulating emotions and anxiety
• The family dynamics require a developmental and systems perspective

As Dr. Masiello explains, “When you have somebody who really understands those behaviors and what a child needs when a therapist PC is involved, it really helps to bring that developmental and systems lens, looking at how the family patterns are playing out.”

What to Expect: The Process

Both Passenant and Dr. Masiello follow similar processes when appointed as parenting coordinators:

Initial Steps

1. Review all court orders and pleadings to understand the case history
2. Sometimes meet with attorneys and other professionals involved (like Guardians ad Litem)
3. Meet individually with each parent to understand their perspective and identify pressing issues
4. Hold a first joint session with both parents to address immediate concerns

Important Note: Before work can begin, parents typically must pay a retainer. This is required by state statute in North Carolina.

Ongoing Work

Once the initial meetings are complete, the parenting coordinator creates an agenda prioritizing time-sensitive issues. For example, if soccer registration closes on November 15th and it’s already October 29th, that goes to the top of the list. The goal is to address urgent matters immediately while also planning proactively for future issues.

“We spend a lot of our time with calendars and schedules and trying to coordinate swaps of time,” Passenant explains. This detailed attention to the practicalities of co-parenting helps prevent small disagreements from escalating into major conflicts.

Essential Co-Parenting Skills

Both experts emphasize that while parenting coordinators can help resolve disputes, the ultimate goal is to teach parents skills so they no longer need intervention. Here are the key skills they work on:

1. Communication Is Everything

Dr. Masiello sees many parents who are “still trying to litigate their case” through emails. A message might start with “Lauren is tired today because she didn’t sleep well last night,” but then spiral into a lengthy recap of past grievances. The other parent then feels defensive and responds in kind, and the original message gets completely lost.

The solution? Keep communications:

• Brief – Stick to the essential facts
• Informative – Share only what the other parent needs to know
• Factual – Remove emotion and opinion
• Friendly – Maintain a polite, civil tone

(This is called a ‘B.I.F.F. response!’)

As Passenant puts it, treat your co-parent like a business partner. Your business is raising your children. Would you send that email to a business partner?

2. The Power of a Simple “Hi”

This might seem trivial, but Dr. Masiello considers it one of her top requirements: parents must acknowledge each other when their child is present, even if it’s just a wave.

“That is so hard for a child, especially if you love both of your parents and it’s awkward if they’re at soccer, they feel like every other children’s parents are all saying ‘hi’,” she explains. Kids, especially teenagers, feel embarrassed when their parents are the only two who won’t acknowledge each other.

Dr. Masiello’s logic is simple: “I know that if a stranger drives down your street that you’ve never met before, you’re probably going to put your hand up… So if you can do that with someone you don’t know who for all you know could be a horrible person… you can at least say ‘hi’ to the parent of your child.”

3. Keep Your Children Front and Center

Passenant shares a powerful technique: she asks each parent to show her a picture of their children during initial meetings. During joint sessions, she keeps that picture visible as a reminder of who’s the most important person in the room.

This simple practice helps parents remember why they’re there and refocus when emotions run high.

What Can Parenting Coordinators Actually Do?

The authority of parenting coordinators is clearly defined by statute (North Carolina General Statute 50-92), but here’s a general overview:

They CAN:

• Make temporary decisions about issues not directly addressed in the custody order
• Interpret ambiguous language in custody orders
• Recommend therapy evaluations for children
• Coordinate schedules, including makeup time for swaps
• “Button up” orders by clarifying gray areas (like what happens on early release school days)
• Help with decisions about schools, activities, medical care, and other child-focused matters

The CANNOT:

• Address financial issues like child support
• Serve as a therapist for either parent or the children
• Give legal advice (even attorney PCs maintain their neutral role)
• Make decisions on matters specifically excluded from their authority by the court order

Importantly, if parents disagree with a parenting coordinator’s decision, the statute allows them to challenge it in court through their attorneys or on their own.

The Goal: Working Yourself Out of a Job

Both experts agree that success in parenting coordination is measured by how little parents eventually need you.

Dr. Masiello shares a common trajectory: “I have cases where the co-parents come to me and there’s a lot of things going on, and we spend quite a bit of time in the beginning just solving things and fixing things and getting things on track. And then I might not hear from them for years.”

When parents do reach out again, it’s often for a single issue they can’t resolve on their own. They meet, figure it out, and then the parenting coordinator might not hear from them again until the child turns 18.

“I love that,” Dr. Masiello says. “I love getting the update of how they’re doing, and I love the fact that they’re not needing me.”

Alternatives to Parenting Coordination

If a court-appointed parenting coordinator isn’t right for your situation, perhaps due to cost, or because you’re not in active litigation, there are other options:

• Divorce Coaching: Helps individuals navigate the emotional terrain of early separation, focusing on de-escalating emotions and resolving problems constructively.
• Co-Parent Coaching: Works with both parents (without court authority) to improve communication, manage conflicts, and develop effective co-parenting strategies.
• Co-Parenting Counseling: Takes a therapeutic approach, helping parents identify emotional triggers, understand their contributions to conflict, and develop insight into patterns that may stem from their family of origin.
• Co-Parenting Courses: Educational programs (offered in-person, in groups, or online) that teach parents how to reduce conflict, support children’s adjustment, and build healthy co-parenting routines.

Each serves a different purpose depending on your family’s specific needs.

Why This Matters

Beyond the logistics of scheduling and decision-making, parenting coordinators can literally change the trajectory of children’s lives. Dr. Masiello notes that in her role as a therapist (separate from parenting coordination), she sees countless children struggling with anxiety specifically because their parents won’t speak to each other or are locked in constant conflict.

Children caught in high-conflict custody situations often feel:

• Embarrassed at school events or activities
• Responsible for their parents’ conflict
• Forced to choose sides
• Anxious about transitions between homes
• Stressed about everyday decisions

When parents learn to communicate effectively and keep their children’s needs at the center, these pressures lift. Kids can simply be kids again.

Taking the Next Step

If you’re considering a parenting coordinator, here’s what to do:

1. Talk to your attorney about whether your case would benefit from this intervention
2. File a motion requesting that the court appoint a parenting coordinator
3. Be prepared to pay a retainer once appointed
4. Commit to the process with an open mind and willingness to change communication patterns
5. Remember the goal: learning to co-parent effectively so you eventually don’t need intervention

As Passenant emphasizes, parenting coordinators aren’t there to “win over” or take sides. They’re appointed by the court with a singular focus: what’s best for your children.

Final Thoughts

Going through a divorce or separation is undoubtedly one of life’s most challenging experiences. The legal system, the emotional turmoil, the worry about your children – it can all feel overwhelming. But you don’t have to navigate it alone, and more importantly, you don’t have to let conflict define your co-parenting relationship.

Parenting coordinators offer a middle ground between doing it all yourselves and constantly returning to court. They provide structure, accountability, and expert guidance at a time when parents often need it most.

As both experts make clear throughout their conversation, the ultimate measure of success isn’t how well you can argue your position or how many “wins” you rack up against your co-parent. It’s whether your children feel safe, loved, and free to have a relationship with both parents without bearing the burden of adult conflict.

Remember: The information in this article is for general purposes only and should not be taken as legal advice for your specific situation. If you’re facing custody challenges, consult with a qualified family law attorney in your jurisdiction.